Hey Slug People,
Goddamn it's hot here where I'm at. I was thinking that if I drank enuff beer the heat would go away, but now I think I was wrong. I'm feeling kinda funny now. Not funny ha-ha!, but funny faint. Naw, just kiddin'. There ain't enuff beer fuckin' made to make me feel anything. Saw your ad in Flyer Times. Here's some of my goofy shit. And remember, if them furry little rat heads catch on fire, pour something wet on Œem!
Later,
W.B. Massey III
Ft Worth, TX

Thanks WB for your writings and the Panther City Periodical, and your "According to the Lizard" column.Your straight up approach to seeking a solution to the Columbine massacre is commended, however, I had to put on the trenchcoat this season as a little reminder to society: You're fucking up.
-bc

Dear Slugs,
You bastards have ruined more white kids than vanilla ice. Was it not enough you defiled the sanctuary of marriage with your pet weddings, glorified idleness and alcoholism with that poor confused old man in the North Loopians? Why do you feel the need to glorify a man associated with a serial killer? My son read and learn verbatim the stories of Charles Manson. It was long after that he cut off our dog's penis and yelled, "Heal!" Needless to say it don't fly miraculously back on like in your funny little interview. We hoped that this would curb his interest, but were we ever wrong. It was about a month later we went to Yellowstone National Park. Of course you know what this is leading to, he tried to tame a fucking bear you assholes. They ripped little Kevin limb for limb. Know he's stuck in a wheel chair, he lost both legs and an arm because of your carelessness with the freedom of the press. If you can find it in your hearts, please just send Kevin a get well gift, or else you will all burn in hell.
Mrs. Scarbough
Shelby County, Alabama

We'll send skates and a soccer ball.
-bc

Hello Burt,
We have noticed your subscription to Gladiator Movie Quarterly has run out without renewal. We are concerned every time we lose a valued fan, and we were just wondering if the magic is gone for you within this sub-genre of film? Does the clang of weaponry as two well-oiled men engage in hot gladiator action no longer entice you? If not, please write us back on how we can win back our hard-core fans who demand hard-core action of the muscular bad boys of movies we like to simply call, "The Gladiators."
Concerned,
Jack Hargrove

Everybody knows gladiators are out and motorcycle midgets are the new zeitgiests of fetishes. Check "Gidget Goes to Hawaii."
- bc

Dear Old Coke,
I have a problem that I think maybe you could help me with. I drink a lot. I bet you do, too. That's not the problem, though. I hang around with these two elementary school teachers. That's not the problem, either. I call them The Teacher and The Rat. The problem occurred at the Luckenbach picnic on the 4th, this year. I was smoking a hooter and a cop grabbed my wrist as I went to inhale. He took me to a holding area, where they made me empty my pockets. I only emptied one of them, and was kicked out of the show with seven hits of acid still in my other pocket.
Here is the problem: The Rat and The Teacher just stood there like they didn't know me, and I had to go home alone. What should I do to punish these freaky old bitches?
Freakin' Out

Dear Freaky Bitch,
You're a good argument for mandatory minimums. My advice: Just say no to school marms.
-bc

Dear Burt Cocaine,
Is there anything that I could possibly say in this letter to convince you that there really is such a thing as aliens and peanut butter bathtub parties? I swear man, I hope you can make it out to Glenda's ranch next weekend for one helluva party. I'll stick some extra crunchy right where you want it, and then I'll lick the sandpaper sides of the roasted joy that is Annette Fucicello's only real vice. You know how much that means to me, and you promised the last time I saw you late night at Paradox that I meant a lot to you. Please call me in the near future, or I'll tear my own heart out with a pair of vice grips.
Your Friend,
Tanya Giddings

Tanya, obviously your trust-funded life of sex drugs and rock and roll has finally broken you.
-bc

Dear Burt,
You're a shining example of discrimination against lefties.  In your poetry contest (SFS #1.2), quoteth you, "Best completion of poem wins date with own right hand."  I've been spanking that naughty monkey who lives in my bathroom going on fourteen years now and I've never once done it with my right hand!  We left handed people do have a voice and it's time we got some recognition.  Watch your back because I have that mean left hook.
Sincerely Yours and Mine,
Benjie McClanahann

-Well, all this time I've been using both hands at once, so don't be offended by my masturbatory faux pas.  It was an unintentional mistake really.  Please don't jack off on me or anything when I'm not looking.- BC

Dear Cocaine,
What's up with that speech you gave in the parking lot of Fantasy's Unlimited the other night?  Do you think that by rounding up Austin's low-life scum and convincing them to buy pornography (in the name of good taste of all things), that you're onto some ground breaking movement of some sort?  Look, those people are the ones who buy it anyway, so they don't need anymore encouragement from the likes of you.  You were way out of line when you said that Harry Reems had more charisma in his prime than former president Ronald Reagan.  Where do you get that stuff anyway?  How on Earth could you make such a comparison?  The part about Marilyn Chambers being the true birth mother of Amy Carter was enough to turn anyone's stomach.  It's a shame that someone like yourself who obviously has a lot of talent and leadership ability waste it all promoting such filth. I hope you change your act soon.
Not Impressed,
Harold Winkins

-When I wrote that speech what I had in mind was to influence the youth to buy pornography, but when the kids didn't show up and all the degenerates flocked around me, I figured it best to speak on the finer points of smut and the importance it has today in 1997.  I admit, I did end up romanticizing a little too much about Seventies smut in particular and I apologize for that.  As for the stuff about Marilyn Chambers, it was simply a little joke.  She would've never stooped so low as to have been associated with those vampires anyway.- BC

Dear Burt Cocaine,
Is it true that you live in a mansion in Westlake Hills?  My friend Denise and I met you about a month ago and you said that you would invite us over for a swim when it warmed up and we haven't heard from you since.  My brother's friend Bobby said that you lie a lot to people and that it wasn't true at all.  He claims that you aren't really rich at all, and that you aren't the nephew of Jerry Springer.  If not, then how did you manage to buy us all sushi that night?  Denise really wants to see you again, so if you ever get this letter please call her soon.
See Ya,
Jenny Tourmaline

-Oh Jenny, why have you forsaken me?  It's you that I like.  I thought you understood me. The sushi was my treat. -BC

Mr. Cocaine:
It must really be great to be able to party every night with your hoodlum friends, but unfortunately other people have to work in the morning and have responsibilities.  So, unlike your friend yelled this morning at 4:00am, you cannot do whatever the fuck you want.  As you know, I have contacted the authorities and they have assured me that this will not continue.  In the future, please stay away from my door and if I see any more Wild Turkey bottles broken in my driveway, I'll have no choice but to seek revenge.
Don't Test Me,
Bill Sutherland

-You're one helluva guy Billy, and I won't forget that.  As for your so-called revenge, I can only imagine what you might try to do to me.  Remember, love is blind, and often, so is hate.-

Dear burt cocaine:
First let me say that me and my band worship you.  We have a punk band here in Odessa, TX. Called "Turdsmash".  Our new singer Tony just moved here from Orlando and said he saw you speak at the National Slug Rally there, he told us of your three step plan for living in this God awful place, drink, drug, and fuck.  Now Johnny has that painted on the head of his Bass Drum.  He also told us that you took a bunch of the kids out to your van and put good use to your Bong and a bottle of whiskey, and then showed them your colostomy bag.  That's why we named our band Turdsmash.  We bag up our own dung from our parents farm and throw it on people at our live shows.  We landed a show at the best venue in Odessa, the V.F.W Post, you should have seen them hit the deck when the poop attack was launched!  Needless to say we got barred from that place forever like that band that was in your first issue, Crust.  They're cool.
 Anyway,  I've heard a few rumors about you lately and just wanted to clear things up.
1) Is it true that you used to eat burnt baby flesh when you lived in Guam?
2) Is it true you laid a four foot turd in Denny's parking lot on New Year's Eve before your Surgery.  3) Do you really have the 7-11 logo tattooed on your forehead and cover it with make-up, because Tony says you can even see it in issue 2.  Well thanks man and please send us one of those posters of you when your holding that dead pigeon.
     Rock on,
     Jim "The Wildman" Tucker
 
 

 Burt:
The last issue your smile was not Ultra-Brite, if you want to be a star and have people yearn for your advice you need to get rid of the tooth tar-tar.  Seriously, between you and I, your teeth are un-fucking believable.
In my past twenty years of Dentistry I have never witnessed such sunken treasures.  My magnifying glass does not lie, my tools could work wonders on those buttered jewels.  I need to get closer.
     Signed,
     Obsessed
 

 Letter to the publisher:
I wanted to touch base with you about a very important concern of mine, the content of your publication, and the message it's sending to the children.  Do you not have any regulations, or censorship, or morals for that matter.  My thirteen year old daughter reads this trash and now she is having problems at school, she seems to feel that nothing matters anymore.  For example, the other day I overheard she and some of her friends say, "Let's go get slugged" which I have come to understand is a slang term that a lot of the kids now are using that means let's go smoke some marijuana.  This is an outrage, it seems like just yesterday that they loved Barbie-dolls and going to church, but that was before your magazine got it's clutches around their little minds, and now they are doing the Devil's work.  Do you see yourself as some Jim Jones type of character, or that damned Koresh guy.  This is a plea to you, please change the content of your magazine to something wholesome, if not for me, or God, or your country, or your own Mothers who are probably worried sick about your behavior, please, do it for little Jenny.
     Sincerely,
     James A. Littlejohn
 

 Mr. Cocaine,
 We need to meet someday.
   -Mr. Coholic